What happens when life changes the plan before you’re ready to change it yourself?
THE MOMENT
One day, I came home from work and was having a conversation with my partner in the living room. At one point, I cried and then immediately burst into laughter.
Completely unwarranted by the conversation, I must add.
My partner immediately asked me if I was okay. I felt okay. I couldn’t explain the weird feeling.
A few days later, it happened again.
My partner immediately stated, “You’re pregnant.”
I said no and shrugged it off.
But the thought stayed with me.
So I decided to take a test. But to be sure, I bought three. It’s just the nurse in me.
I took the cheapest one first, of course, and the two lines showed like the sun on a brand-new day.
I immediately thought, It cheap, it probably wrong. I’ll take the others in the morning.
Now looking back, I was in total denial.
Physically, I looked in the mirror at myself and repeated, “I’m pregnant.”
It didn’t feel real.
I rubbed my tummy. Nothing was weird.
I told my partner.
One thing I can remember from that day was feeling scared.
I was scared out of my mind.
THE PLAN BEFORE THE TEST
The week before, I had made a deposit for a new tattoo. Two months earlier, I had made an appointment to get braces.
I was no longer working night shifts and finally felt like I had gotten some time back in my life.
I was working towards travelling more often, building a financial portfolio—regular young-girl-type stuff. I was looking forward to investing in my physical appearance.
I had recently figured out my career path, and I was truly excited to dive deep and excel.
Marriage was always a dream of mine, but because that decision involves two parties, my twenties taught me that there is no rush, no timeline, only the right time. It was always on the table for me generally, but I didn’t have a strict timeline.
I was dreaming about the direction I wanted to take homeownership in.
I knew I wanted to have a child in my late twenties, but every year I said, Maybe in the next five years.
Financially, I was in a generally okay position.
Definitely not my final destination!
At that point, life wasn’t certain, neither was it urgent, but I was getting comfortable in my plan.
Having a plan made me feel directed.
Structured.
Like I had it together.
WHEN THE PLAN CHANGED
After seeing those two lines and coming to terms with them, I messaged my tattoo artist.
She informed me that I couldn’t have it done until I finished breastfeeding.
I was like, BREASTFEEDING!
Then I Googled it, and it was true. I thanked her for being knowledgeable, told her I’d see her in a few years, and sulked to myself.
I then called my orthodontist. They told me I could still get the braces, but when I Googled it, I read about tooth loss during pregnancy, so I decided not to.
JUST IN CASE!
I always thought that if I got pregnant before marriage, I would hate myself because marriage didn’t happen first.
But at that moment, it didn’t even occur to me.
My thought was solely:
Will I fail my child?
Denial is definitely a river because “I’m pregnant” only became real to me when I was 4 cm dilated and the pain was a 40/10.
THE REACTION WE EXPECT WOMEN TO HAVE
When a woman discovers she’s pregnant, automatically we expect her to be overjoyed and excited, unless the circumstances tell us she shouldn’t be.
Unfortunately, those feelings didn’t arrive until long after for me.
Until I felt I was ready enough.
I was scared.
And I was open with everyone that I was.
I also spoke a lot about not “feeling pregnant” because I honestly didn’t.
I know socially it can be considered inappropriate to speak openly about not wanting a child, or even about complicated feelings surrounding pregnancy. But I think avoiding difficult conversations can leave people feeling as though they have nowhere to put those emotions.
As for me, I would have been open and honest if I didn’t want to be pregnant.
But I did!
I was just scared.
I quickly learnt that it’s okay to be grateful but also scared and not very excited.
You can be excited but disappointed that some timelines are being set back.
You can also be so happy that you become overwhelmed and numb.
Sometimes women edit the story of how they reacted when they found out, simply because they are now surviving and thriving in motherhood.
But I think it’s important to remember how you truly felt, so you can see the strength of your mindset developing over time.
I never wondered why I cried.
The thought of regret never hit me.
I was just terrified of the unknown.
THE WOMAN WHO PLANNED EVERYTHING
I was a control freak under the quiet.
Discovering I was pregnant revealed this so much.
But I was in denial about it until around the time my daughter was turning one year old and I was planning how to celebrate her day.
THAT DID NOT GO TO PLAN.
Lol!
I was obsessed with “doing life correctly.”
I always believed that life would turn out as planned. Even if I didn’t consciously focus on it, subconsciously I always saw it that way.
But life quickly taught me the power of flexibility, adaptability and intentionality.
I think my denial crippled me throughout my pregnancy.
I could not plan unless it was absolutely necessary.
I always thought I would take weekly tummy pictures, write a journal to my daughter, or plan her entire 18 years of life.
Instead, I felt like doing absolutely nothing!
Surviving that “no-plan phase,” I give credit to my friend Tash.
She asked me questions every single day, and that prompted me to take action.
Remember…
The Village.
What was hardest for me wasn’t the pregnancy itself.
It was the emotional state.
But through that emotional battle, I gained incredible mental strength and tenacity.
If you had asked me 10 years ago how I would feel about this new timeline, I probably would have confidently told you:
No way in hell.
Well, Zu, here we are.
Lol.
THE PLAN VS. REALITY
“When I get pregnant, I will have a chef to cook for me. I will get bi-monthly massages and facials. I will take extended maternity leave. I will take weekly baby bump pictures and start my vlog on YouTube.”
I thought this to myself more than 10 years ago.
I really thought I would be a well-structured mommy, ready to go with everything.
I thought I would have all the clothes washed, ironed and folded. Crib set up. Bank accounts created. Investment portfolio developing. Land purchased—or at least in the process.
The reality…
I had a serious can’t-bother spirit!
I had a bit more of a Type B mom personality than I expected.
I was still planning, but not as intensely as before.
I made the registry but procrastinated on making the final edits.
I took baby bump photos only when I felt like it.
I didn’t want a baby shower because I couldn’t bother to plan it.
I really just couldn’t bother!
And this worried me deep down, but I had absolutely no urge or motivation to change it until I came home with my daughter.
I got bursts of motivation when Tash would ask:
“You finish the registry yet?”
“You ship the things yet?”
“You eat breakfast yet?”
“How much water you drinking?”
“You set the appointment yet?”
I knew I wasn’t handling pregnancy the way I should.
Or so I thought.
I often looked at other pregnant women who seemed well prepared and thought to myself, That’s so nice, and then scrolled past their social media posts.
Lol.
I really didn’t care because I realised that pregnancy wasn’t linear.
Mine was perfectly fine.
I had no issue that made me feel like I was over it or that I wasn’t doing enough. I wondered at times, but I don’t think I was truly worried.
I kept postponing packing my hospital bag because, mentally, I still didn’t really accept that I was pregnant.
I packed the bag one week before my due date, and even then, I was doing it because I didn’t want to be a “careless mother” in case I went into labour early.
I probably would have waited until her due date.
This is to show you the depth of my emotional numbness.
Everybody around me was so excited while I was still processing the moment, the changes in my body and the future to come.
It was a lot!
But I did do enough.
I just didn’t do too much.
Eventually, I went into nesting mode in my third trimester and literally took the last three months to “get ready.”
I packed bags, washed clothes, organised rooms, and set up strollers and cribs—with the help of her dad, of course!
Because, hello!
By this time, I was a wobbler!
And bending was a whole other story.
Eventually, a few days before my due date, I thought to myself:
Okay, I can do this.
And by this, I meant labour and delivery.
I don’t think I was mentally ready for postpartum.
Or was I?
LIFE DOESN’T ASK PERMISSION
When I say life doesn’t ask permission, I don’t mean that life simply happens to us and we have no say.
I mean that sometimes something happens that we cannot change.
We must adjust.
We must change the route on the map without necessarily changing the destination.
If I could change the timeline of my pregnancy, I couldn’t tell you what I would change it to.
Because I don’t know what “I’m ready” would have looked like.
I know now because I have experienced my own needs.
I plan more intentionally now.
When my plan doesn’t work, my reaction is no longer:
Not now.
It’s:
How can I make it happen?
Redirection.
When things change, you must be flexible enough to change with them. You must learn to adapt, and you have to become intentional about your journey.
Not just in the aspect of raising a child, but in life in general.
Becoming pregnant was a redirection of my plan.
I simply thought to myself:
Another goal added to the journey.
QUESTION TO CARRY
What happens when the destination still matters, but life changes the route?
Until next Sunday,
Zu
